Thursday, April 12, 2018

My Sweet Distraction

I don't know what to do.

So, there is this guy...
I honestly have no idea why he's so addicting. In fact, he attracts me in so many indescribeable ways.
He's somehow different from all the guys that i've had attracted to. I barely know him, i just found that he's funny and he seems humble and pure. And as simple as that, i got these ~butterflies~ out of nowhere...

I'm trying so hard to not expecting anything to avoid any disappointments. But well... it's me we're talking about... I simply love to daydream about anything, and when it comes to an addiction to a guy, well... anything is possible. I start to romanticizing every single thing, every single conversation between us. AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY omg. He's such a sweet distraction, and as a person with a super-low self control, i couldn't even handle my thoughts and feelings.

I'm as messed up as a girl falling in love, yet i don't know if i could say that this feeling is called love.

mari berdoa dan berharap yang terbaik
Nedita Farah Nastiti ;-)

Monday, February 19, 2018

how i made the decision - me plus the hijab 1.1

Before we started, you should know that i'm a newbie. This is just a story of how i made the decision, since so many people asked me (and i always refused to answer it cause i'm just too lazy to explain).

Well... I was (still, actually) somehow a wild person both inside and outside. Wild thoughts, manners, and everything you could ever imagine that was far from what we called the normal standard of how a girl or woman were expected to behave. And no, i wasn't ashamed of myself. I had never hide that behaviour whenever i met new people, even some of them think it's inappropiate. You'll know it when you've met me in real life, and directly talk to me. I don't think i need to explain any further cause you might already have the idea of what i'm talking about.

But despite of my wildness, i was always aware of my main reponsibility as a muslim women. And it's not that i'm a very devout person (not at all, in fact) it's just that i was raised in a muslim family and i realized the obligation that i need to obey. Back in high school, for the very first time, i got the feeling that purely came from my own self that i want to wear a hijab. And when i told other people about my thoughts, most of their responses were the same: shocked. I think they found it funny for me (who's an uncontrollably wild person) to suddenly had the thoughts for hijab. Hell, i didn't even performed my daily prayers perfectly. So it was totally understandable why people reacted that way.

As you know, troubles hit me time and time again on the past few months. And if you think that troubles would make me perform my prayers and lead me to the right path, it is not. At least that was what i thought before. I'm still the same person and kinda give the attitude of not giving a fuck of the troubles. However, Allah is always full of surprises. In the middle of my hectic life, i somehow remembered a promise i made back then to my mother. She once asked me, 

"Kak, kapan mau pake hijab?" (May, 2017)
...aaand because i was an arbitrarily teenager, without any further thought i responded it secara ngawur gitu.
"Halah, paling ga sampe 2018."

And then college happened. I enjoyed the moment when i got the time to curled my hair, a whole load stocks of new clothes, thrift shopping, and somehow i forgot the promise that i made back then. And i think Allah just let it slipped that way, keeping me in the dark about the promise and gave it back to my poor memory right when i got lots of burdens on my shoulder. Like those troubles weren't enough for me to think about. 

The thought of wearing a hijab started to ruined my head, and somehow my poor memory managed to forget those troubles that i have to think about in the first place. About the hijab itself, it's not like i didn't want to, i did actually. But i just didn't know what had kept me for being not ready to wear one. After days and days of me and my gathered thoughts, i finally found some reasons that quite interfere my head before i made the decision. I started to realize that i'm that kind of person who's kinda strict to my own principles when it comes to my own style. I already have my own statement style that i really love and appreciate, and it's quite hard to fit the style with a hijab hanging. But back then, i haven't done any research regarding how hijabi women cope with their fashion or statement style. And now i'm actually quite impressed how those women could pull off a hijab in a way i never thought before.

Another reason was i have my own role model that i always look up to (i promise to write a particular post about the importance of having a role model soon) and she's not wearing a hijab. And from what i've seen based on my real life and media experience, i haven't found a hijabi woman that is qualified enough for me to be my role model. And the fact that most of the hijabi women in Indonesia that i found on instagram looks somehow 'shallow' (im sorry :< but their posts are mostly just product endorsement and lookin-pretty-and-fancy photos like it was the only thing that matters-- these people who they called social media influencer) was quite cringy for me. You should know that i'm not looking for a picture-perfect figure to be my role model (even if they were, it was just a plus point). And that's the problem that i've found the solution, we'll discuss about this in a separate post.

After that, i discussed my concerns to some of my girl friends who's already on their hijab, and their responds were mostly the same thing, "Well, there's no harm done for you to wear a hijab, so why not? And about the style and role model, i'm sure you'll figure it out by yourself. It might not as quick as you predicted, obviously it would took your time. But when you've sorted it out, it will worth your time".

And just like that.
I never thought before, that day would be the last day i went out with my hair exposed.

It felt like magic, how on the very last days of 2017, i managed to keep my promise to my mother, while months and months ago i didn't even remember anything about the promise i made:

"Paling ga sampe 2018."

(I'm not gonna go any further with this post, it's just about the story of how i made the decision. I still have a lot to share regarding to the hijab itself, but i think i'm just gonna separate the post so it wont be too long ;*)

See ya on the next post!
Still and always be the same person, Nedita <3