Monday, February 19, 2018

how i made the decision - me plus the hijab 1.1

Before we started, you should know that i'm a newbie. This is just a story of how i made the decision, since so many people asked me (and i always refused to answer it cause i'm just too lazy to explain).

Well... I was (still, actually) somehow a wild person both inside and outside. Wild thoughts, manners, and everything you could ever imagine that was far from what we called the normal standard of how a girl or woman were expected to behave. And no, i wasn't ashamed of myself. I had never hide that behaviour whenever i met new people, even some of them think it's inappropiate. You'll know it when you've met me in real life, and directly talk to me. I don't think i need to explain any further cause you might already have the idea of what i'm talking about.

But despite of my wildness, i was always aware of my main reponsibility as a muslim women. And it's not that i'm a very devout person (not at all, in fact) it's just that i was raised in a muslim family and i realized the obligation that i need to obey. Back in high school, for the very first time, i got the feeling that purely came from my own self that i want to wear a hijab. And when i told other people about my thoughts, most of their responses were the same: shocked. I think they found it funny for me (who's an uncontrollably wild person) to suddenly had the thoughts for hijab. Hell, i didn't even performed my daily prayers perfectly. So it was totally understandable why people reacted that way.

As you know, troubles hit me time and time again on the past few months. And if you think that troubles would make me perform my prayers and lead me to the right path, it is not. At least that was what i thought before. I'm still the same person and kinda give the attitude of not giving a fuck of the troubles. However, Allah is always full of surprises. In the middle of my hectic life, i somehow remembered a promise i made back then to my mother. She once asked me, 

"Kak, kapan mau pake hijab?" (May, 2017)
...aaand because i was an arbitrarily teenager, without any further thought i responded it secara ngawur gitu.
"Halah, paling ga sampe 2018."

And then college happened. I enjoyed the moment when i got the time to curled my hair, a whole load stocks of new clothes, thrift shopping, and somehow i forgot the promise that i made back then. And i think Allah just let it slipped that way, keeping me in the dark about the promise and gave it back to my poor memory right when i got lots of burdens on my shoulder. Like those troubles weren't enough for me to think about. 

The thought of wearing a hijab started to ruined my head, and somehow my poor memory managed to forget those troubles that i have to think about in the first place. About the hijab itself, it's not like i didn't want to, i did actually. But i just didn't know what had kept me for being not ready to wear one. After days and days of me and my gathered thoughts, i finally found some reasons that quite interfere my head before i made the decision. I started to realize that i'm that kind of person who's kinda strict to my own principles when it comes to my own style. I already have my own statement style that i really love and appreciate, and it's quite hard to fit the style with a hijab hanging. But back then, i haven't done any research regarding how hijabi women cope with their fashion or statement style. And now i'm actually quite impressed how those women could pull off a hijab in a way i never thought before.

Another reason was i have my own role model that i always look up to (i promise to write a particular post about the importance of having a role model soon) and she's not wearing a hijab. And from what i've seen based on my real life and media experience, i haven't found a hijabi woman that is qualified enough for me to be my role model. And the fact that most of the hijabi women in Indonesia that i found on instagram looks somehow 'shallow' (im sorry :< but their posts are mostly just product endorsement and lookin-pretty-and-fancy photos like it was the only thing that matters-- these people who they called social media influencer) was quite cringy for me. You should know that i'm not looking for a picture-perfect figure to be my role model (even if they were, it was just a plus point). And that's the problem that i've found the solution, we'll discuss about this in a separate post.

After that, i discussed my concerns to some of my girl friends who's already on their hijab, and their responds were mostly the same thing, "Well, there's no harm done for you to wear a hijab, so why not? And about the style and role model, i'm sure you'll figure it out by yourself. It might not as quick as you predicted, obviously it would took your time. But when you've sorted it out, it will worth your time".

And just like that.
I never thought before, that day would be the last day i went out with my hair exposed.

It felt like magic, how on the very last days of 2017, i managed to keep my promise to my mother, while months and months ago i didn't even remember anything about the promise i made:

"Paling ga sampe 2018."

(I'm not gonna go any further with this post, it's just about the story of how i made the decision. I still have a lot to share regarding to the hijab itself, but i think i'm just gonna separate the post so it wont be too long ;*)

See ya on the next post!
Still and always be the same person, Nedita <3

Thursday, January 18, 2018

wisdom is born from a healed wound

(i suggest you to read every sentences slowly, as i want you to understand every words that i wrote, cause i actually mean it. and fyi, my heart aches a lot as i wrote this).

As a human being, being hurted is something so common that happened to most likely every single human on earth. Whether it's physically or mentally, it surely left wounds on our hearts, and yes it sometimes aches so badly. From days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years--the wound they left might fade, but they will never be gone. Some of us might even having troubles fading it, as it is a quite hard thing to do or even impossible for some people.

Well, as a human being my heart obviously had some wounds too. Some are deeper than the others, and some fades quicker than i thought. From all the deepest wounds, there is one i would like to talk about. This wound was left by my own friend, and i don't think it's necessary to tell you the whole story but this wound had changed me ever since. I got traumas, i felt so unwanted, and the most painful part is that this person who left the wound, made me somehow felt like i could never be equal to her. Everytime i achieved something, i always felt like it's still nothing compared to what she's got. And it is actually painful. Everytime i get to see her the wound she left will aches so badly but i always try my best to keep smiling and see her as my own friend, but guys, i know that it's never gonna be easy at all.

How come it is gonna be easy, while she took what i loved the most, and it destroyed me.

This wound had been staying in my hearts for years and years, and i know this one might take a long, long time to heal. And well, i accidentaly met her today. The wound still aches, but i'm getting better at hiding it. And as i saw her, hugged her, and talked to her.. there's this weird feeling that's tickling me inside, like i finally realized that she is actually a nice person, or even a really good friend. But our past just somehow made us through lots of rough stuffs, and i think that was the reason we got torn apart. And today, maybe it's finally the time for me to heal this wound thoroughly.

I can't believe i said this but i think i'm finally trying to f o r g i v e her.

You cannot change things that happen outside your control. But you can control how you react and perceive it. - Fatima Ariadne

I believe that nobody was born to be a mean person, some of us might just have a bad attitude. I'm finally trying to see what's good in her, despite of everything she did that destroyed me once. If you read my post about the art of letting go, you might know where this talk's gonna go.

Forgiving means letting go.
And letting go cut down the burdens on your shoulder.

This time it's not about the 'forgive and forget' term i am talking about. I would never, ever, forget what she did to me. It was awful, and i don't think i could ever experienced that again in my life. But now, i choose to see that in another perspective. Maybe that was God trying to tell me something. Maybe that was God giving me a chance to prove what i'm capable of, by having someone like her to made me felt like nothing. Maybe that was God trying to show me that i'm stronger than what i thought, by taking what i used to love the most. Maybe that was God trying to tell me that i worth something more than what she took from me. I don't know yet, but i'm sure i will find out later because i believe that God didn't do this to me by accident. Everything happened for a reason, and there is always a good one to take.

Forgive and let go. Don't you like it if God forgives you? God is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Qur'an, Suraa 24:22)

So, everyone, if you got to have those deep wounds like me, just try to heal it by forgiving. Forgiving might not heal the bitter past, but it surely gives you another chance to a fresh start. Those aches will fade, those burdens will cut down. If it's hard for you to forgive, or even seeing the good side in them, you should try to think about God instead. You would never know what God would gave you behind every wounds inside your hearts if you wouldn't try to heal it yourself. Always remember that everything happened for a reason.

As a closing line, one of my friend on twitter (who's also had through a real hard times lately) once tweeted this sentence that made me came up with a realization:

n e d i t a