Thursday, January 18, 2018

wisdom is born from a healed wound

(i suggest you to read every sentences slowly, as i want you to understand every words that i wrote, cause i actually mean it. and fyi, my heart aches a lot as i wrote this).

As a human being, being hurted is something so common that happened to most likely every single human on earth. Whether it's physically or mentally, it surely left wounds on our hearts, and yes it sometimes aches so badly. From days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years--the wound they left might fade, but they will never be gone. Some of us might even having troubles fading it, as it is a quite hard thing to do or even impossible for some people.

Well, as a human being my heart obviously had some wounds too. Some are deeper than the others, and some fades quicker than i thought. From all the deepest wounds, there is one i would like to talk about. This wound was left by my own friend, and i don't think it's necessary to tell you the whole story but this wound had changed me ever since. I got traumas, i felt so unwanted, and the most painful part is that this person who left the wound, made me somehow felt like i could never be equal to her. Everytime i achieved something, i always felt like it's still nothing compared to what she's got. And it is actually painful. Everytime i get to see her the wound she left will aches so badly but i always try my best to keep smiling and see her as my own friend, but guys, i know that it's never gonna be easy at all.

How come it is gonna be easy, while she took what i loved the most, and it destroyed me.

This wound had been staying in my hearts for years and years, and i know this one might take a long, long time to heal. And well, i accidentaly met her today. The wound still aches, but i'm getting better at hiding it. And as i saw her, hugged her, and talked to her.. there's this weird feeling that's tickling me inside, like i finally realized that she is actually a nice person, or even a really good friend. But our past just somehow made us through lots of rough stuffs, and i think that was the reason we got torn apart. And today, maybe it's finally the time for me to heal this wound thoroughly.

I can't believe i said this but i think i'm finally trying to f o r g i v e her.

You cannot change things that happen outside your control. But you can control how you react and perceive it. - Fatima Ariadne

I believe that nobody was born to be a mean person, some of us might just have a bad attitude. I'm finally trying to see what's good in her, despite of everything she did that destroyed me once. If you read my post about the art of letting go, you might know where this talk's gonna go.

Forgiving means letting go.
And letting go cut down the burdens on your shoulder.

This time it's not about the 'forgive and forget' term i am talking about. I would never, ever, forget what she did to me. It was awful, and i don't think i could ever experienced that again in my life. But now, i choose to see that in another perspective. Maybe that was God trying to tell me something. Maybe that was God giving me a chance to prove what i'm capable of, by having someone like her to made me felt like nothing. Maybe that was God trying to show me that i'm stronger than what i thought, by taking what i used to love the most. Maybe that was God trying to tell me that i worth something more than what she took from me. I don't know yet, but i'm sure i will find out later because i believe that God didn't do this to me by accident. Everything happened for a reason, and there is always a good one to take.

Forgive and let go. Don't you like it if God forgives you? God is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Qur'an, Suraa 24:22)

So, everyone, if you got to have those deep wounds like me, just try to heal it by forgiving. Forgiving might not heal the bitter past, but it surely gives you another chance to a fresh start. Those aches will fade, those burdens will cut down. If it's hard for you to forgive, or even seeing the good side in them, you should try to think about God instead. You would never know what God would gave you behind every wounds inside your hearts if you wouldn't try to heal it yourself. Always remember that everything happened for a reason.

As a closing line, one of my friend on twitter (who's also had through a real hard times lately) once tweeted this sentence that made me came up with a realization:

n e d i t a

Sunday, January 7, 2018

not everyone has to like you (or your thoughts).

i've always heard people sayin those sentences years ago, and i realized that it was true. but as the time goes by, i should admit that it is quite hard to apply those thinking into our daily life especially if you're someone like me--a sanguine--where people's opinion would affect you no matter how hard you deny it. i am a quite bold person, but that doesn't mean that other's opinion wouldn't affect me (maybe it wouldn't directly affect my decision but at least it would obviously affect my feelings even if it's just a little). i might look like i didn't give a single fuck towards them but the words would kept ran through my brain automatically. 

let me tell you this. i always surround myself with bunch of friends everywhere, and whenever i have something in mind i will immediately explain it to them and whether you realize it or not, it's not just me sharing my thoughts--but it's also me seeking for an approval.

and. that's. not. a. good. habit.

i mostly would hear what my friends had to say about my thoughts, just because i trusted them. but sometimes i just listen to them and i somehow letting my own original thoughts to set aside. and i keep repeating this to every single thoughts that i had. it's really not a problem when they're also agree to it. but when they dont, it made me thought like umm okay maybe they're right maybe it was stupid or what. and by agreeing to them doesn't mean that i completely agree--there's always a bit of me that still felt secretly disagree, and it made me feel bad about myself. i felt like just because they're my friends i should completely listen to what they said, and without their approval there is something in me that just doesn't feel right (like i'm afraid i has no one to back me up and if turns out im wrong people will like 'told you so' or something like that). and when i'm alone, i kept asking myself the same question: why can't i just stand up to my own thoughts even if everyone is disagree with it?

well actually i haven't had the right answer... but i think i'm just gonna arrange my thoughts towards it and how i've been dealing with it recently.

what i did first thing first is making sure that i'm myself shouldn't ever force a thought from my head to my friends (unless when it comes to helping people with suicidal i think it's better to force them from stop doing that wkwk). i should admit that i've been doing it SO MANY times and now i realize that it's not a good thing to do (sorry guys,). i mean if they asked me for my opinion i would gladly saying it out loud but i have to make sure to them that it's just what's in my head and it's not something you have to do if you don't feel like it. and you know, i just realized that our selection of words is also important... i'm still learning to be as polite as possible without diminishing the true meaning that i'm trying to deliver to my friends when it comes to my opinions and thoughts.

"one thing you should always remember is that you have no idea how big the effect of your words could affect someone else's life," (got this from the anti-bullying video i found on my LINE timeline).

one of my bestie once said a simple sentence that i would never forget, "lets just agree to disagree". she once said that when the girls debated each other's opinions. from there i learned that it's okay to stay where you are while the others don't. it's okay to have a different opinion even if they doubted you. it's okay to have a silly thoughts and not always being rational. and it's also okay for everyone to have an opposite thoughts from you--being agree to disagree is important. if you keep debating about who's right and who's wrong, you'll find no solution. well of course some people would prefer debating and find their way out to have their thoughts won the argument but you can start from no other than yourself. in order to find peace within yourself and the other human being, being agree to disagree in anything is somehow one of the best way to keep yourself out of conflicts. 

because, just like what i wrote for this post's title, not everyone has to like you. you are under no obligation to please every single ass you're dealing with. if they're agree, that's a wonderful news. but if they don't, just try to hear their side of the argument and it maybe make yourself reconsider your thoughts, but it's all up to you to agree with it or not. just try to be as objective as possible. it might not be easy especially if you're always seeking for other people's approval (just like me) but atleast what i'm doing now is i'm trying. i'm trying to stop seeking for people's approval and trying to stand up for myself and my own thoughts. if it turns out that i'm wrong then it's okay, atleast i have a reasonable argument to stand up for on the first place.

it's 00.20 a.m. and i really want to finish this whole post. but i haven't found the exact right solution (and i'm super tired) so i think it's better to leave it this way. yes it's possible for me to rewrite or continue this in another following post when i'm ready for the answers. so that's it for now, and i hope this little thoughts arrangement of mine could help or inspire you if you're dealing with the same thing.

See you on the next post!!!

Thursday, November 23, 2017

baddie makeup!

Hoola! Back again with yours truly ;) And this time, it's not the deep thoughts anymore–it's a makeup post! yAaAAaAYYyy !!!

Yep so i created this look on October 22nd  J U S T for F U N, since i haven't got any chance to do my own makeup lately... Just realized that the college life has less party to mess around, and somehow it's kinda sad but also good at the same time. Or maybe it's just me who's not interested in doing my own full-face makeup...? well i don't know maybe it's because i've done lots of makeup on my clients and maybe it gets boring if i had to do it on my own face hahhha. Not funny, i know. I keep making bad jokes lately and some kind of dad jokes... wtf.


Okay sooo at first i was inspired by the account darlynplease on Instagram. The account posted lots of Instagram baddies and i've been dying to try those on my asian face (had no idea if i could pull it off as good as them but it turns out not so bad after all) and i decided to do it because i was kinda had plenty of time back then.


And the next dayyy i went on Youtube and for the first time in my life i tried to listen to Dua Lipa (who had been talked a lot by people in my surroundings and i didn't even know what she looks like), and the first song i played was 'New Rules' and then i understand why the music video went viral because IT WAS ACTUALLY LIT i couldn't explain my excitement when i watched it for the first time. So yeah i also wore the matching outfit in these photos with the one that Dua wore in the music video.

Catrice Pore-Refining Anti Shine Base
Revlon Colorstay in Golden Beige mixed with Milani Conceal + Perfect in Sand Beige
L.A Girl Pro HD Concealer in Creamy Beige and Toast
Coty Airspun Translucent Powder
City Color Contour Effects 2 (for the contour)
Nicka K Blush
Highlighter from the I Heart Makeup Contour Palette

I use 5 different eyeshadow from my huge Sephora palette, basically it is:
1. Red with a hint of orange on the crease and lower eyes
2. Medium dark brown slightly underneath the crease, and blend
3. Dark brown on the outer V and the lower eyes, and then i conceal it with the L.A Girl to make a soft cut-crease
4. Nude colored shadow on the lid (nothing glittery)
5. Brown with a hint of orange between the lid and the outer V to soften the transition
Aand lashes from Instagram @shop.slv + Mizzu black eyeliner
Maybelline Magnum Barbie Mascara

The Mix of Lime Crime in 'Shroom' with Wet N Wild 'In The Flesh'

See you on the next post! Hopefully it's going to be a fun and less-desperate post :')

Nedita <333

Monday, October 2, 2017

you are what you think

Hellooo! back again with me as the content writer of this whole blog that spoke of almost everything on my mind. Not literally everything tho wkwkwk just some good shit and weird but hopefully helpful theories of mine :D

Okay so before i jump into the actual thing, i have to tell you an introduction story of mine that related with the topic and this story somehow lead myself to be the way i am today. Note: this post might be the longest post i've ever write in my life.

It all begins in the middle of my elementary school. Since i was a kid, i'm not the 'eye-catching' type of girl, although i was (and still) a dominant and super extrovert person in my circle. In my school, there was a group of girls, well i can say, some pretty girls. And just like any other society, people thought they are special just because they were seen as a bunch of pretty girls and some of them are quite intimidating. And obviously, i'm not a part of them. 

Back then, i'm amazed of everything that they were and the fact that everything they were are everything that i'm not, kinda lower my self esteem BACK THEN. I should tell you that i'm not this insecure kid anymore :)). Okay back to the story. I used to wonder why people treated them differently from the others, why people admitted and agreed that they were special (which now i realized that some of them are not special at all), why did it all couldn't happened to me? I mean, i was as dominant as some of them and i'm not that ugly thooo (ok maaf the current nedita have a super high self esteem) and i keep questioning myself the same question until one day i watched a movie named 'The Clique'.

Brief explanation, it's a movie about girls clique and they are exclusive as fuck and suddenly a basic girl named Claire came into their life and kinda ruin everything. One day Claire asked one of her friend i don't remember the exact words but the point is "why people always treat them more special than any others?" and her friend answered "because they think they are".

THAT LINE has woke me up like baaamm this is what i was looking for the whole time. Even though it took me years to finally understand the real meaning of 'you are what you think', i'm happy that i found the answer to all my insecurities.

In junior high, i met some girls who's just like the girl's group in my elementary school, but better. All of them were like pretty and smart and fashionable etc etc and magically they indirectly invited me to join them which at that moment i wondered why??? i'm not even qualified as everything that they were. But they were so kind and real (and we still remains friends until now!) and they're the one who contributed a lot of my self esteem that i've got now. 

By being one of them, i finally knew what it feels like to be 'seen', what it feels like to be jealoused at by other girls, what it feels like to be talked about, what it feels like to be known by a lot of people in both good and bad way, and it really built my self esteem, but still, without me knowing and understanding the real meaning of the 'you are what you think'

As you know in senior high i was separated with them since i became their juniors hahaha so it's a whole new society for me. At first i had this kind of weird feeling about my friends, like i'm afraid i couldn't have the exclusive squad like what i used to. But magically, i mean i don't know how, me, the weird girl in elementary school, attracted those kind of girls to be in my inner circle without me even trying! shooked??? wkwkwk. I have the same type of squad in high school (and even better because we have a fewer member than my past squad so the connection between us are more intimate) and not being shady at all but i felt like i gave each of my inner circle friends a 'spotlight' by just being my friends. And i have no idea how the fuck i became this person but yeah this is what i am now.

In college... hahaha. I have a lot of time to think even deeper about myself and who i actually am, and i have friends who's open minded enough to share each other's stories and deep insecurities. And by the way the same path happened again in my college society, well it's even more easier than ever. All i did was literally NOTHING and 'those kind of girls' came to me just in a blink of an eye. And all of sudden this squad with a bunch of pretty and easily 'seen' girls are like the most eye-catching squad in my society.

OKAY WE'RE FINALLY DONE WITH MY BORING STORY and now it's time to jump into the main topic.

The fact that i changed to be a whole new person with a whole lot better personality in a few years made me think deeper until i finally back into the movie line and relating all of the things that happened with my life with that line. 

You, are what you think
What's on your mind, represents the 'you' outside

I was a "not eyecatching" girl in elementary, because i thought i was. I've seen girls that were better than me in physical aspects and i felt like less human compared to them. I thought i was unattractive and i'm not matched to be their friends therefore i wasn't. I tried to change my appearance in junior high and i got into the 'it' clique, but i still thought of myself an unattractive girl. 

As the time goes by i changed, just because i finally found the fact that physical appearance means nothing more since i have the power to attract any kind of human that i like to be my friends. I'm deep down a kind person, and i'm humble, and i treat everyone the same way no matter if they're special or not. That's what i think of myself right now based on everything that i've done to all my friends. And by that thought my mind somehow embracing it into my daily life to be an even more kind, even more humble person, and always treat everyone the same way. Being a special person made me realize that we are still nobody to not treating people the same way. Kasarannya, who the fuck are you to act like you're so special until you could treat people differently the way you desire?

Now i'm wondering, would my life be the same if i didn't change my own perspective of myself? would i be the current me if i didn't think that i'm a better person inside and outside? And the answer is obviously NO.

What's on your mind, only you could take control of that. People cannot see it, it's all yours and yours to make. And just by a small little thought you define yourself, that's gonna be what you are outside. Trust me cause i've experienced this, from nobody to finally somebody, at least in my society. You are the one who know your own value, and all of it starts from your own mind. 

If you think you're not pretty, then people will somehow think the same way. I mean like this. You're the one who think of yourself 'not pretty' and you expect people to think that you are? still possible. But it's quite hard. If you have just a liiiitle thought of yourself, nggak muluk muluk deh just as simple as "well, i look good today." people will somehow see that in you cause that thought is like shining outta you somehow. You think you look good, and that thought will raise your self esteem for that whole day even just a bit, because you thought you are.

Well i didn't thought it would be this hard to explain this but i do reaaally hope that you understand what i've been saying.

So, please, starts from now, think every good aspects of yourself. Reduce every thought that make you feel like you're less, and start adding positive perspective of yourself into your own mind. Believe me, that thought will embrace you as a person in your daily life and if you keep doing it everyday, imagine what kind of a better person you would be in a week? or in a month?

If you're that kind of person who finds it hard to think of your own good aspects (well i have a friend who faced this too), maybe you could start by listing your blessings. I mean well you're alive and you could read this post and that is counted as a blessing too. If counting your blessings is still a hardwork for you, maybe you should try to be more grateful before doing this kind of self theraphy hehehe.

I said it's a self theraphy, because i wanna persuade all of you to try this method that had changed me to be a better person. Just as simple as counting your blessings or just compliment or give credit to yourself every single day (well i'm still doing this one like everyday in front of my mirror right before i go to college and that really made my self esteem for the whole day)

FOR EXAMPLE: I'm not that pretty but i always said to myself "BITCH YOU LOOK SO FUCKING PRETTY EVERYDAY" and now i've never feel less human than everyone in my circle even if there's a lot of prettier girls than me, i dont care. All i care about is how happy and grateful i am everyday to feel pretty and lookin good always.

So please just do it everyday from now on okay??? It's for your own sake of mental health hahahaha jancok ngomong opose :(

CAUTION: overdoing this might lead to 'kepedean' (which i am now wkwk) but that's okay tho as long as you could control it. And for meee kepeedean is a better thing than always being insecure, right??? :D

See you on the next post bitchas!
Nedita <3